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How to be … Bad Black, the ex-convict


Bad Black after she left Luzira Prison on Monday. Photo by Stephen Wandera

Reformed girl. She caused quite a stir when she emerged out of Luzira Prison looking kempt and flawless. For four years she was behind bars for defrauding her lover. Now she is not Black anymore. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be Bad Black.

Step aside pretenders, the queen of controversy and outlandish spending is back and she is also a million shades lighter. If you thought ex-convicts are supposed to look weary and spent after they leave jail, Bad Black has surprised many. Bad Black, also known as Shanita Namuyimba, wrapped up a four-year jail sentence this week and came out looking like a cookie straight from the oven.
Unlike many Ugandan chicks who do selective bleaching and choose to leave out sensitive areas such as elbows and knees, it was a relief to see that Bad Black was consistent with the treatment. She looked sparkling until she spoke to unwind memories of a semi-illiterate Bwaise girl who defrauded an unsuspecting Briton of more than Shs11b.
Bad Black, once a regular fixture in many Kampala nightspots claimed that she was now a reformed born-again Christian, who would spread the gospel through music (Yawwwn). If God can wash Bad Black of all her sins which are certainly not few, there is hope ladies and gentlemen. You can still be saved. Here is a guide on how you can be like Bad Black, or rather Bad Brown now:

Morals are nothing but overrated
Bad Black is like those type of girls our mums warn us about. The kind for whom everything goes, if you know what I mean. At the peak of her powers, she bought nights of pleasure from whoever was lucky to be called male. With Shs11b stacked up somewhere, many gullible unemployed youth signed up and delivered the goods. Even Mr Flavour of the Ashawo fame is rumoured to have fallen victim to this one.
She bore Black and White babies whose fathers remained a mystery and none of this moved her. She just kept giving and living. To be like Bad Black, first check to be sure that you are not already like her. If your parents don’t know who fathered your half caste child, have no job but live lavish and you will wake up to different ceilings everyday, my friend. If this is a lifestyle you cherish, what about you start with a night out at Bubbles Oleary’s.

‘Renovate yourself’
Bad Black is any baker’s dream.There is no loaf of bread or cookie that comes out that refined or lighter. Bad Black even came out with wheat on her head. That is the kind of reformation you want to see. It is such a shame many Ugandan chicks have resorted to cheap creams that leave plots of uneven coloured skin making them look like hyenas.
Bad Black also carries breast implants which would leave many flat chested divas gag with envy. If you want to have a chest like Bad Black’s, something in the region of $10,000 (about Shs33.6m) could get you sorted but we all know a job as a bank teller won’t let you prosper.
Go to those White people places and hunt for some pensioner who will hand you that dream life. By the way, bazungu don’t discriminate. They will take you even in your rawest form.They don’t give prizes for good English so you are safe. Speak whatever, but don’t lose focus of your goal; his wallet. To be as lightskinned as Black, try Luzira Prison. There could be a secret there. If all this fails, go down on your knees and thank Him for creating you in His own image.

Luzira Prisons SS
Luzira Prisons SS is a school of hard knocks that encourages all kinds of people from all walks of life. Admission forms can be picked from anywhere in this country, tuition is absolutely free but what cannot be guaranteed is graduation into freedom.
For all those who went to secondary schools, Luzira Prisons can feel like Term X. That period when you don’t break off even if you pray to the Almighty. Bad Black got admission after blowing her lover David Greenhalgh’s dime to the ground.
To be like Bad Black, do something out of the ordinary. Trust me you won’t fail to find an OB or OG for company. You can start by blessing your hands with company funds or even making our favourite enemies disappear. I’m talking about landlords, the boss from hell, the side dishes, to mention but a few.

Get reformed
It is believed Bad Black has reformed and won’t be going back to her old ways anytime soon. Apparently, she has seen the light so who said you can’t follow suit. We believe in a living God who will forgive you for something as bad as using office Internet to look for other jobs online. He understands your plight, so repent to Him.
There you go. Go ahead and be like Bad Black.

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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