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How to be … Anita Fabiola

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Beauty is everything: you should be able to purchase a few body parts if you are not naturally endowed,  Ian Ford Nkera.

Anita Kyarimpa aka Fabiola has been used as a marking guide by most Kampala men to highlight everything that could possibly go wrong with their significant others. The cheating man will forever be reminded of the 20 per cent he doesn’t have and wants to get.
Many guys have soldiered through the painful ordeal of watching her TV  show Be My Date just to steal a glance at her and just like that, Fabiola has become a sensation of some sort. Her claim to fame has been largely because of her physical traits. God almost didn’t do wrong by her. Fabiola is basically a template of what many guys consider the ideal woman.
She has a budding TV and acting career at barely 21 years old, a flawless face and a mind disruptive body (Help me oh Lord). Everything seemed picture perfect until apparently her home was discovered to be a low-end guest house for officials from the cockroach community and a conference room for the most indigenous bacteria and fungi. It was a huge disappointment for her fans who adore her and even more disappointing was the fact that her alleged nude photos which leaked last weekend were a huge contrast to what people expected. Fans had began speculating that she wore towels or Rotatrim photocopying paper to make her body pronounced. Sadly, we might never know the truth but if you want to be like her,here is your guide.

Beauty Queen
Miss Kyarimpa has been gracing all beauty pageants from as early as five years old so we can assume this whole “you are beautiful” thing doesn’t move her much. If you want to be like Fabiola, you will have to ignore petty things like your favourite Facebook profile picture not garnering a single “like” for the past two years it’s been up. Sign up for as many beauty pageants as you can. Beauty is relative so you can start by believing that you are beautiful. If you are crowned Miss Wildlife or Miss Lake Mburo National Park, don’t take it personal. You are being appreciated for the beauty you have. If you possess only inner beauty, try your luck elsewhere.

Temptress
That old man pretending to read the Sunday newspaper in the living room while Be My Date is running is fooling nobody. We all know that one of his eyes is glued to the screen  wishing his Nalongo of 30 years could be just as shapely as Fabiola. That’s the spell Anita has cast on many shameless men in Kampala. If you are a lady who wants to be a temptress, let’s first take out the clothes that have been soaked in your bathroom for two weeks. If you intend on leaving a lasting impression on men, you could start by investing in shaving equipment to control recurrent hair outbreaks on your legs. Instead of swinging your legs around, you could tempt guys by advancing your education and career. That’s more sustainable.

Fabiola’s dirt mega fest
It’s been rumoured that rats and other animals succeeded in a coup d’etat over Fabiola’s apartment. The level of negligence and alarming poor hygiene have made some of these animals feel at home. It’s for cockroaches switching on Star Times as they relax on the couch. Dirt has surely found asylum in Fabiola’s house. If you intend to be like Fabiola, make your house one big and beautiful trash can. You must be willing to throw around anything you can find from food to contraceptive pills. You must be willing to wear dust  as your cologne if you are going to be anything close to Fabiola.

Body made In China?
If her alleged nude pics are anything to go by, we can safely affirm that what we normally see on TV is probably a model from House Of Plastics or  another counterfeit from China. There has always been speculation about her body being fake but the nudes remove all doubt. That is if the nudes were indeed hers. You wonder how someone goes from Desire Luzinda to Barbara Yata in a single snap shot. I smell some foul play. In case you intend to pack the kind of body Fabiola has, walk down to Avemar Plaza and procure yourself hips and bums. They will be served to you in silicon and other hideous material, which you will get used to with time.
So if you want to be like the gorgeous Anita Fabiola, feel free to go through my guide.

DISCLAIMER
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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