Make believe: With all its effects and filters, Instagram is making our girls beauty queens. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be the Instagram it girl.
Just like that and people will have forgotten that you were the little girl that used to chase around ducks and pick out ticks from your local dog in the neighbourhood back then. The organic kaweke you spotted as a teenager and the ashy knees that stuck out of your dress back home in Kamuli District when you went to school will all seem like a distant memory when your relatives and friends see the goddess you have become.
Your OBs will beat themselves for having ignored you at your Form Four Leaver’s bash and will hope to have a second chance this time round.
A photo upload phone application called Instagram has created this illusion. With Instagram, the Akellos of this world have been able to miraculously appear lighter after digging into countless colour filters to produce a fair and more refined look. Forget the conservative girls you left back in high school who were members of the Scripture Union. These ones will stretch in a pose to get as many ‘likes’ on their snap as they can. Instagram is their office. She will use any opportunity to take a snap and upload it for attention. They all want to seem sexy, sassy and in control. They are called the Instagram divas. Here is your guide on how you can be like them.
Hello there… I bought food
Every attempt to eat is an event that should be caught on camera. It doesn’t matter if you are having lunch at Mama Tendo’s in Bwaise or Café Javas, you have got to tell the world that you are about to have a meal. Take a snap of your mouthwatering meal and upload it to Instagram.
The purpose is to show that you are doing well, so please don’t upload snaps of you eating half chips half rice. It doesn’t add up. And if you don’t get comments from your followers, maybe it’s high time you reduced your appetite.
Bathroom is a photo studio
To become an instant hit on Instagram, you will be required to set up a studio in your bathroom. It’s in these bathrooms, that you can do the selfies in those short dresses to drive people mad.
Let’s care enough to make sure that our bathrooms are clean and clear of anything that could raise questions. Don’t hold your phone taking snaps when clearly we can see clothes in the background that look like they have been soaked for weeks. If you stay in Kasokoso where you and other tenants use one bathroom with no mirror, it’s time to shift.
Jesus….isn’t this supposed to be obvious? Even if you have capsule-sized pimples or a body that isn’t exactly show stopping, there are plenty of remedies on Instagram to save you. Pose in a raunchy way and try everything in your power to make people believe that you have something of a sexy body.
The sink in your bathroom is the perfect enhancer to bring out a curvaceous frame. All you have to do is just lean against the sink and then you will go from Sheilah Gashumba to Desire Luzinda in a flash. People who actually know you won’t recognise you. That’s progress.
Life is good
You can’t be posting snaps where you attended a seminar. Make sure you never miss at many of these social events around town and have proof ready for instagram.
Upload pics looking glamorous with expensive cocktails as you beg for shelter under the armpits of high society people. Have all these groupie friends of yours share in the glitz and glamour of Kampala’s social scene.
Don’t allow these so called local celebs to just leave a nightspot without taking a pic with you. Ambush them in the loos for a photo opportunity and lie to the world with a caption, “Bumped into my bestie Maurice Kirya”. God is seeing you.
When people see these pics, no one will ever know that someone has to jump five trenches to reach your home of residence in Kalisizo. Anti you are a diva
Have no job
Being an Instagram diva will require you to sow the unemployment seed quite impressively. You can’t live on Instagram and have a job.
Instagram requires time and dedication so you must be willing to put in the extra hours to look beautiful. Notice that the girls who are so keen to remind us of every time they are at an office with captions, “Chilling at office” are just lying.
They are simply at the reception waiting for their dad, that’s all. But to be fair, why does an Instagram diva need a job? She will have countless Hajjis willing to give everything she wants on a silver platter. If she ever has to work, one of those guys will be willing to hook her up with a boutique at Zai Plaza. Just be unemployed and take photos, some potbellied guy will come to your rescue.
There you have it. Go ahead be an Instagram Diva.