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How to be… a true Mukiga

muki

Proud to be a mukiga? You have heard of all the stereotype about the Bakiga; their aggressiveness, energy, loudness and brutal honesty. Their character irritates many, and yet it fascinates others. So if you have ever wanted to be like this species, Ian Ford Nkera guides you.

T he Bakiga are a very interesting lot who ooze so much energy that you cant help but get drawn to them. Having two Bakiga in a place is already a crowd and having about five of them in a place is like you are at a political rally. They like to talk, and very loudly at that. When a Mukiga is seen having fun at a nightspot, you might mistake their dancing for a riot. In fact, when a true Mukiga starts dancing, my humble advice is to move all your belongings like phones, drinks and chairs to safety. Just do not remain in close proximity for the sake of living longer.
A Mukiga will kick you and smile about it. They have bouts of energy in their DNA that it is only natural that they put it to good use. It is because of this that you are sure that a faulty computer keyboard was probably used by a Mukiga and an ATM card that was swallowed by an ATM machine was probably because a Mukiga used it too. It is this intensity that makes them quite unique and endearing. Incase you are from Bugisu or anywhere else and find the Bakiga amusing and want to be like them, here is your guide:

Talk, talk… and talk
When you have many Bakiga in a place, you will not need a public address system. These guys have enough voice power to project their voices from Najjera to Bugolobi in one whisper. A casual conversation between two Bakiga is like a quarrel waiting to ensue. Everyone wants to talk and everyone wants to be heard, so you can get the picture.
Ladies, kindly do not allow your Mukiga hubby to read your child bed time stories. Your child will be terrified and won’t sleep. To be like a true Mukiga, you should be quite the talker. A job as a conductor or taxi tout should give you good vocal training. NB: Do not allow a Mukiga to be an MC at a funeral, things might get a little awkward.

Honesty
Bakiga men are so honest that the guys will introduce their main chicks to their side chick without shame. Dude can even take both of them out on a date at the same time. The only thing a Mukiga man will hide is his bank balance. Other than that, everything is bare for the whole world to see.
It is not unusual to find a Mukiga man bathing naked with his children somewhere in Kabale. They do not want anything. If you want to be a true Mukiga, you must be honest at all times. Look at the love of your life straight in her eyeballs and tell her that she is fat. She might not like it but that is how Bakiga are and veiling things has never been their strength. To be a true Mukiga, honesty is not just a virtue but a lifestyle.

Be very hardworking
Bakiga take this whole hardworking thing a little too seriously. It has been discovered that a Mukiga farmer will cultivate a land of six acres by himself. Who needs a tractor to plough when you have about three strong-bodied Bakiga? It will be each man for every two acres. They do not joke with work. A lazy Mukiga is a dead one, probably.
To be like a true Mukiga, be the guy who finishes a day’s work just before the lunch break. Pester your supervisor for assignments or be that chap who is always doing overtime. They are always hungry for success and can be quite hungry when food is served. Make sure you serve a Mukiga when everyone has had their share. They work hard there too.

Be energetic
When a Mukiga is in an elevator and he presses a button for the floor that he is going to, it is often feared that the elevator will get stuck on that floor. They just do not know how to be calm. These things of a chick delaying a Mukiga man when they have an appointment to go somewhere do not work. Dude will just come, carry her and take her. No time for negotiations.
To be like a true Mukiga, you must be very crafty and handy as well. They do not wait for things to be done for them. A Mukiga will not call a plumber when he has hands. He will twist those pipes till they work again regardless of whether he does not know what he is doing. They also love to dance and not like your usual dancing. It is Ekitaguriro season any day of the year and should the DJ become funny, they will not be shy to order him to rewind the song.
There you have it. Go be like a true Mukiga.

DISCLAIMER

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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