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How to be a cabinet minister


The STRATEGY? From kneeling before the President, embarrassing yourself in public, mobilising voters to being of age, there are many ways you can win favour and find yourself on the cabinet list. But how come some of these people did not get rewarded by the big man? Ian Ford Nkera writes.

After many months of speculation, President Yoweri Museveni finally named his ever-long list of cabinet ministers, and as usual, there were some surprise inclusions and a few notable snubs. It is also now official that people like Moses Ali and Sam Kuteesa are ministers by birthright. They can be sure of a ministerial position everytime a Cabinet reshuffle is announced. Yes, some people were born for this. Others like Kirunda Kivejinja return for the umpteenth time as minister and can be sure to enjoy a five-year-long nap while getting paid for it.
NRM historicals such as Gen Kahinda Otafiire should feel lucky to have made the list after being trounced in the parliamentary elections. His colleagues Jim Muhwezi and Mike Mukula will be looking for new pass-times after being snubbed, especially Mukula, who was instrumental in mobilising support in eastern Uganda. In one of the most shocking inclusions, the President’s wife and First Lady, Janet Kataaha Museveni, was appointed Minister of Education and Sports to end her long association with Karamoja. Imagine that for a bit. Which husband throws their beloved wife into a workplace crippled by corruption and generally full of chaos? But Sevo can be mean.
For some reason, a ministerial job seems to be everyone’s dream. A lot of folks pray to wake up to their names being on this list. It is like a coupon to go and enjoy the coveted National cake. Incase you ever harboured dreams of being a Cabinet minister, here is your guide:

“It’s Oldies’ Night”
Cabinet is no Panamera Bar where you will have young people high on youthfulness dashing from corner to corner. It is a preserve for a bunch of 60-year-old drunks on power and clout who claim to love our country too much to serve its people. And yes, we believe them a lot. We believe the tales about bringing services closer to the people. LOLLLL!!!
Anyway, your dreams of being a minister could be hampered by a small issue of age, but that should not scare you, your dreams remain valid.
For as long as the centurion Gen Moses Ali appears on every cabinet list, I am afraid you will have to wait longer. At least, old chaps like Henry Kajura gave this whole thing a rest. There might be a glimpse of hope.
“Be as if busy”
The President likes people who appear busy, you could be busy doing nothing but just appear busy. There is no definite line of work to catch his attention but fight for the man and his values. Defend the NRM even with the last stroke of your breath. It is absurd that Tamale Mirundi is almost out of breath and is still not a minister. This shouldn’t discourage you though.
Seek visibility. Write a poem or dance at many of his trips around the country. It might seem outlandish but it is a start. He is a busy man and won’t have time to listen to you. Ronald Kibuule had to embarrass himself a couple of times to get noticed by the President. Hajji Nadduli has spent many years defending the government and got his reward after so long. Remember Evelyn Anite’s antics in Kyankwanzi? They surely paid off, just when we thought the lady had gone mad. The Andrew Mwendas of this world are still working.

Don’t piss off the man
President Museveni can be a wonderful man if he wants to. In order to avoid embarrassing you, he will move you from the Ministry of Works to the Ministry of Karamoja. What’s up John Byabagambi? You good? Well, he is that kind. To think that a medical doctor, Chris Baryomunsi, who was Minister of State for Health, has been moved to the Ministry of Housing, is baffling but shows the heart of the man.
To be a cabinet minister, just don’t tickle his nerves. He will assume the job of the chef, the waiter and the cashier. Don’t ask for any of his jobs. He will decide which job you can handle. Attempt greed and your fingers will be cut off.
Well there you have it. Hope this helps!

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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