LOOKING BACK. When 2013 began, I had a strong feeling that it was going to be a year of hodge-podge. The number 13 has always been known to cause tremors. We all know of Friday the 13th, so, without further ado, Ian Ortega presents the 2013 report, the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Solar Eclipse
The hybrid solar eclipse, though a natural occurrence was listed as one of the NRM government’s achievements by idle people on social media . Anyway jokes, aside, the world spotlight was on Uganda, Pakwach to be exact as it happened to be one of the major viewing points of the phenomenon that only happens once in centuries. (The next hybrid solar eclipse will happen in 2114.) Tourists flocked the country and there were rumours of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Alicia Keys being around, though we didn’t see them. And speaking of titles, do you remember the Chief Viewer? Why him? I mean, Besigye and Kato Lubwama who have bigger eyes could have performed this role better.
We had the first Club Music Video Awards and the first social media awards. And in all these awards, we didn’t have any scandals unlike most Ugandan awards, whoever won deserved it. So, in case you are on Whatsapp, Twitter or Facebook, please note, that you stand a chance to win a social media award in 2014, something like; “best poker.” Hope next year, they include an Instagram category, my lunch time photos should scoop this award.
Goodlyfe’s BET nomination
Radio and Weasel became the first Ugandans to be nominated in the prestigious Black Entertainment Television (BET) Awards and even with all due evidence, Taata Alpha continued to live in denial, daring us to present a video of the duo in the hall where the awards took place. By the way, did I mention that Bobi Wine finally became an international artiste? Don’t look surprised, you think it’s easy getting a collabo with MRG (sounds like Luganda for egg).
Goodlyfe and Bebe Cool reunion
What happens when you’ve exhausted all battles and your house is not yet complete? In the case of these artistes, you pull off a reunion. So for now, we can expect things like Bebe Cool and Goodlyfe collabo, as Goodlyfe and Gagamel concerts have been all over the place this festive season.
Kiprotich bags another gold medal
The last time a prisoner escaped from Luzira was before John Aki Bua won an Olympic gold medal. This time round it’s even more risky to try and escape, not with officers like Stephen Kiprotich who will definitely outrun any fugitive. So after winning an Olympic gold in 2012, the 2013 world athletics championships gold medal for Uganda deserves applause.
Who speaks loudest, Frank Gashumba or Tamale Mirundi? Wama, Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe. Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe became a viral statement on social media. Every time we felt that an issue was beyond our abilities, we called upon Gavumenti. Wama, is it Susi oba Sushi, Tusaba Gavumenti Etuyambe on the Sangoma issue. Then we had the Save The Mini Skirt campaign. Other statements came from songs, for example, we had Tomalira Budde from Bebe Cool’s Kokodiosis song and Mpulira Njagala from Mun G’s Ssejjusa song, just to mention but a few. In case you have issues you’ve failed to solve don’t forget to ask for Gavumenti’s help, even if it’s your car that has broken down or your girlfriend has caught you cheating on her.
Desire Luzinda miracles
And then on the seventh day, the female goddess of age celebrated her 25th birthday for the nth time. But who are we to blame Desire, sweet girl is only counting the years she’s spent in the city, the balance are the years she’s spent in the village.
Bebe Cool’s Facebook status updates
If there is one thing that generated debate and rubberstamped Bebe Cool as the King of showbiz, then it’s his status updates. You all remember the Neighbour A and Neighbour B proverb, you all remember the diss directed at Hon.Nambooze, our very own Connie Nankya suffered the wrath of the Titanic, and of course, that update of Bobi Wine failing to sing at the battle and instead jumping onto the wire-mesh. And as we closed up 2013, Bebe Cool was at it again when he insinuated that people are born gay.
Death of entertainment personalities
It was another sad year that took some entertainment personalities like DJ Momo, Martin Angume, Mac Elvis and Ellie Cham. It was sad losing such talented personalities.
“Tubonge ohhh flop time tubonge” and so the lyrics went as it dawned on the musical doctor that it’s possible to hold a massive concert at one moment and then a flop before the year ends. Anyone who attended Chameleone’s War of the Titans concert with Davido can attest to the flop. Problem is we are failing to find who attended. The flops did not spare Nince Henry and Mun-G. Not a very good thing.
Nelson Mandela death
Since, we shall be speaking about the sangomas, it’s also worth writing about a true icon, a hero that achieved near sainthood on earth. At least we have Museveni to look up to, five years in the bush, and 27 years in power, so it’s a mirror reflection of Mandela’s 27 years in jail and five years in power.
This one act saw Ugandans learning how to impeach in their own lives. Sharon O impeached Ronnie Mulindwa, Club Venom impeached Mr Susi aka Havard Graduate from Bwaise aka Katsha. And we have successfully impeached 2013.
Pope Benedict resignation
February 2013, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he was stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God might have put it, “Well, at least he gave me two weeks,” notice. And just like that we had a change of guard. When one Pope goes, another one ‘Popes’ up and behold we had Pope Francis, a perfect substitute we should say.
Anti-Mini Skirt Bill
We had the infamous Hon. Kibuule statement that authorised us to rape girls dressed in minis. And before long, the dozing members of Parliament woke up from the slumber and passed some bill that puts a stop to wearing miniskirts. Rumour has it that Hon. Lokodo the architect of the bill took pity on girls who kept pulling down their mini-skirts every minute. So on that note we asked, shall the ladies swim in gomesis? And how about dudes who put on skinnies, don’t they tempt our dear girls?
Just as the Ugandans from the diaspora are referred to as the ‘ba-summer’, our Ugandans from South Africa have earned themselves a new name, and that’s a sangoma. A Sangoma in the new Ugandan dictionary is that school drop-out, who went to South Africa, looked out for the hottest profession (read scam-artiste posing as a traditional healer) and jumped onto it, came back to Uganda with some millions and decided to re-brand as a socialite of sorts. A sangoma is basically anyone who’s just stumbled onto money, he grew up in poverty, so he thinks it’s a great deal sleeping in a hotel or dating a female artiste.
A sangoma will pose around at a hotel like Serena forgetting that he doesn’t own it and he needs to build a house of his own, a sangoma will bring in a fake Lamborghini that will keep breaking down on the road. A sangoma will kiss and tell. A sangoma will pretend to be a very successful educationist in South Africa, a sangoma is simply an attention whore. So, in case, you don’t get the meaning of sangoma, please watch the susi (sorry sushi video), I got a slip of the Katsha accent. Sangomas can torture. Bambi they send poor Meddie Sentongo to carry their drinks from the counter, he’s the one who keeps the car keys and carries their jumpers.
You know you’ve watched one if you understand the statement, “Make it nasty”. Sextape is actually the new definition of pornographic content. Like they asked us, we should leave these in 2013.
Ssejusa letter and Monitor Closure
It’s only in Uganda where everyone knows the content of the letter but the Police still has the audacity to search for the letter. Apparently, the Police employed a team to search for a certain book where the letter was published, intelligence reports show that the book had a Face. After closing Daily Monitor and other publication houses, it downed on them that Facebook is actually not a real book, but a social media website.
The Princesses’ diaries
For the first time, my smart phone battery actually lasted longer than a certain marriage. Though we can’t ascertain that there was an official divorce, we are certain that Princess Ruth Komuntale and Duke Christopher Thomas are officially separated. We also can’t forget the war of words on social media. And speaking of Princesses, we had Princess Juliana tell off those who were criticising her for moving out with a ‘sangoma’ aka King Lawrence. Since then, the sangoma has gone ahead to ask; “Is it bad for a bad boy to date a good girl” and he has even referred to the Princess as his best friend.
Black or White (The rebirth of Bad Black)
She got bail following reports that the medical condition of her breasts had gone worse. Once she left, she came out with a song, and thereafter left for Dubai never to return. She kept posting rants on Facebook and fooled us into believing she was actually in Thailand, it’s only when she was nabbed that we realised Thailand had moved to Kigali. She didn’t stop at that; she underwent a complete transformative body surgery. And on that note, we kept asking, ‘black or white, good or bad’. We just can’t tell, but it was an ugly series. But all we know is that she is back in jail.
In our ugly section, we also had a Martin Luther of sorts aka Father Musaala proposing that Catholic priests should be allowed to marry. We now can’t trace his whereabouts. We had the Iryn Namubiru and Kim Uno drug scandal where the singer was detained for several weeks in Japan. Thank God she managed to convince the Japanese that she thought the drugs were posho that she had been given to take to someone. Then we heard a President ordering lecturers to go rear goats as Ofwono Opondo assured them that NRM would never lose power simply because they were on strike. Speaking of goats, we thought the products of Makerere University were already goats themselves.
We cannot avoid ugly and bad things, but we hope the good will outweigh the bad this new year.