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The acute angle :The job seeker’s CV!

The world’s biggest lies are told in a Curriculum Vitae and I guess the world’s most incompetent people have the most colourful CVs. They are normally smartly-written in impeccable English, packaged in a ka nice brown envelope and confidently dropped at many employers’ desks. Isn’t it just cute how everyone wants to appear like some kind of superhero in their CVs? I get the feeling that employers think that they might be hiring some robots to take up some jobs. Mbu, “I work well under pressure”. Jeez! This is how you tell the devil is working mysteriously among us. There are only a handful of people who like to work under pressure. If anything, many of us are pathetic under pressure. We tremble like leaves under pressure. Monday morning reports make people act like zombies.
The reason we hate half our bosses is because they can’t stop breathing down our necks and subject us to needless pressure. Mr Future employer, I hate pressure. I would love to go with a laptop and sit by the poolside and do whatever work you want me to do for you at my own pace. Just don’t hound me with your e-mails. I hate it and we all hate it but somehow we can’t state these details in our cover letters or CVs. Mbu “I enjoy working in teams”. This is crap, to say the least.
Many Ugandans are just too selfish to be taken anywhere. They prefer to work in isolation thinking that they can grow in their small world. You find a dude too happy to keep ideas to himself, putting boldly in his CV how he is a team player. However bright you are, you are always at a disadvantage when you work alone. You can never know it all but I can remotely understand why job seekers include some of these lies. We need to paint a picture of what we want to be seen as.
Largely because employers make a fuss about experience, you will find yourself including all sorts of past jobs to “fatten” your CV. Your ka job in vac where you organised bread on shelves at a supermarket will be remodelled to become a cooler “Stock organiser” or “stock controller”. These jobs will make people run mad I tell you. You find a chick who sold secondhand clothes for her sister in Owino also writes something like “Front Desk Manager”. Front Desk Manager? Are you kidding me? These employers who insist on experience should calm their tits before job seekers go crazy with plastic CVs. There is no school where they teach experience.
CVs dropped at the UN offices for international jobs will amuse you. Someone will state some cool hobbies to grab their attention. Mbu I enjoy watching the Discovery Channel on DSTV and also like to pass time hunting buffaloes at Murchison Falls National Park. Guys whose travelling scope doesn’t exceed Kitooro in Entebbe have the audacity to include travelling as their hobbies. You find a chap with the Auditor General and Secretary General of the UN included as referees as if they know him. Be careful, God is watching you!

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