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The acute angle: Survival skills for January…

broke

January is the reality month, the unofficial 13th month of the year. It is the longest month in history, forget what experts say. Time is still. It is like one gaddam long Monday in some boring office. It is the one month God is on holiday. Prayers are rarely answered in this month. In January, most fridges are having an All-White party. Rats are moving houses, mouths are yawning and microwaves rusty. During this month, any form of currency in whatever denomination is priceless. To find a loose 10k note in your pocket or even a ka 1k note just there fwaaa is cause for celebration. People might just hear that you have bought a building in Kikuubo. Search for whatever money you can find in those trousers you wore three months ago. Turn those pockets inside out. God’s blessings could be hiding there.
Making it through January could be trickier than navigating your way through Mgahinga Forest. First of all, don’t lament. Don’t mourn the salary you spent at pork joints and the beer you bought for your clanmates during the festive season. That’s gone. You enjoyed and unfortunately now your wallet is dry, no prepare for a crisis. Once the mental war is won, you can handle anything.
Disappear or play dead. In fact, no need. This month will humble you to your grave. By virtue of your finances, you are only restricted to a radius of 4m, that is from your house to the gate. Stay in and meditate. Reflect on the year you have had. Ignore any calls to go out. That’s satan right there begging for your embarrassment. Do not heed. Notice the spiders on your ceiling? Take them down. This month will require a lot of activity. Cut the grass. Neighbours will think you are a changed man kumbe you are buying time.
Improvise. You can’t afford to be indisciplined with food. A crisis calls for a lot of improvisation. You might be having cereal for breakfast and supper. That is if you have it at all. In January, no meal has an expiry date. Milk could see you through the month. You require a lot of belief. Treat bread as if it were your Holy Communion. Don’t eat bread like some excited glutton. Your tomorrow could be in jeopardy. Hide it if you must, in that room no one knows. You don’t want all these random visitors and neighbours clearing it. Bread crumbs are highly recommended for mornings.
Remember to search for a miracle note in every pocket ever made. Piggy banks shall be broken. If the crisis overwhelms you, move in with a friend for a while. Fake excuses. Claim insecurity at your pad or anything else. Chances are that they might know wassup. Ask for an advance at work. If they jam, give them a reason to believe. Tell them you are fundraising for a kidney transplant. Whatever can get you money quick quick, do it.
Ehh January can be tight. Good luck everyone and happy New Year once again.
nzamunda@gmail.com

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