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Oh hail my rolex guy

Do you know how many problems would be solved in this country if our Rolex guys were given attention? Maybe, a ministry of their own. They have served this country and its citizens selflessly. They stand under that scotching kasana, wrapped in dirty ventilated aprons (read torn) then flip those chapattis in the air like acrobats in a circus. For Waisswa and his cousins, it’s not just expertise, it’s a birthright. They were literally born to create boundless happiness with the rolex. It’s in their DNA. Blending chapattis, tomatoes and eggs to invent the rolex was sheer brilliance. No school curriculum in the world could teach the mastery these guys use.My rolex guy Kakaire understands me. Infact, he resonates with me. He speaks to my stomach in a language never known to man and tends to it like no other. He understands that I like my things big and that’s exactly what he does. He gives me that ‘Titanic-Double Trouble’ rolex. This thing usually struggles to fit in both hands. You have to improvise and make sure that dripping juice doesn’t escape. You have to guard it jealously. Kids look at you funny but who cares. But Oba what does the guy put in? Those tomatoes can’t be from Uganda. They must be imported from some ka village garden in the Netherlands. They are organic and super tasty as well. Kakaire must be paying insane taxes for those things and his loyal customers would never know. Dude doesn’t say a word. I actually feel that I cheat him bambi. When he cuts those cabbages and onions, I always feel a slight drool escape my lower lip. It’s like foreplay before the real thing. Amazing stuff.
And there is always that ka drop of sweat that hangs on his forehead before it dives into the egg. Chics will be like ‘ewww, that’s disgusting’. They don’t know that this is part of the recipe. The more your rolex guy sweats, the better. Thank the heavens for this. That sweat is rich in iodine so embrace it. A rolex in the wee hours of the night is magic. When I am on my way home at about 3am from a busy night out and hungry as well, I am almost certain to find him at his address. He will sort me there and then just as these restaurants are busy acting lazy and staying closed. Mschewwww. Guy is prompt, thorough and most importantly, available. The guy knows me to the bone and has seen it all. He has seen me happy and has seen me at my worst. In his very inspiring words, he will go like “Gwe kwatayo ki rolex, nakyo kijja kuggwa,” meaning get this rolex, problems don’t last long! He is like a standee BFF, a confidant or even a cadre. I would take this guy to war with me. Too brilliant
A rolex is not a rolex if it’s not sold in some shady place with questionable hygiene. These things of flying in chefs from Pakistan to make us Rolexes don’t work. Mbu they are to be sold in hotels, served on plates and eaten with a fork and knife. G’away. I’ll still go to the rolex maestro Kakaire to make me some awesomeness. If Cholera wants to attack me, so be it. We are not here forever anyways. As politicians and government workers rob our country dry, it’s nice to know that there are people like Kakaire who make an honest living and serve at their very best. I wish he could read this and know that I’ll be demanding two titanic Rolexes this evening.

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