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Let’s pick presidential advisors, shall we?

Who the cap fit: Do you ever wonder what the President considers when choosing advisors for different sectors? Well, we shall not waste time guessing but kinda hope that he thinks the way we think. If he were to choose advisors for these different sectors, here’s what we know.

Although unconfirmed, it was reported that musicians Buchaman and Catherine Kusasira had been appointed presidential advisors. One was to handle the Ghetto affairs while the other was to take on Kampala affairs. Yours truly was then asked to propose a list of other presidential advisors to enable the progress of Hakuna Muchezo or perhaps, Muchezo after Muchezo.

Presidential advisor on Laavu Nigg*s
Of course, this should obviously go to Eddy Kenzo, the president of the Laavu Nigg*s in Uganda. In case we need to cry out strongly about government’s whereabouts, he will do a perfect job. The presidential advisor on Laavu Nigg*s will be responsible for sharing a list of new excuses to enable men to jump out of the commitment question a.k.a; “Where do you see this going?” Because of the workload on this post, we propose that the one and only Frank Gashumba is appointed assistant presidential advisor on the same matters. This post should only be held by single men and men who fear commitment but will whine when dumped. To further spice up this post, it will come with its own title. The holder of this post will be referred to as Semyekozo.

Presidential advisor on slay queens
For long, slay queens have been neglected by the government. And if we are to deliver 2021, we need to capture the slay queen vote. We need someone who has been there, done it and can fully represent all the slay queens in the country. Someone, for example, who will go to the Minister of Finance and propose tax reductions on slaying materials. Why should we tax eye lashes, weaves, fake body parts, and makeup? All these should be brought in on zero tax.
If possible, government could consider giving our slay queens a slaying allowance. #SlayLivesMatter. We have found a hard time proposing a name on this post, but to balance up things, Spice Diana can take this up. Better still, the one and only Amanda can play this role.

Presidential advisor on floods
Floods are part of Kampala. We must accept and embrace them. All we need is a presidential advisor to help us on new swimming tactics. This calls for a person from Kawempe or Bwaise. It is not the kind of post you jump onto without experience. Without any doubt, this post goes to Muhammad Ssegirinya. It is an inclusive government, so no one gets left out. Although the main office for this advisor will be in Bwaise, we propose branches at Bata Bata as you head to Zzana, a branch at Queen’s way and one in Kyambogo and the other in Bugolobi. On the days it rains, we shall be expected to have a car-free day in Kampala. On this day, everyone will be required to show up in a swimsuit and showcase their skills. Even the president will feature on our car-free days. We cannot let Kigali beat us on simple matters, let’s make use of our floods.

Presidential advisor on corporate affairs
It is not easy being a corporate, it is not easy becoming one either. The corporates in Uganda commonly mistaken for ‘elites’ are requesting for special representation. This presidential advisor will be responsible for publishing the most updated corporate handbook with tips on how to be a corporate and rules of a corporate.
The book will have tips on how to sound smart in emails and meetings without really saying anything smart. It will feature tips on how to appear to be working, climb up the corporate ladder without doing any actual work on the ground. It will have the latest rental prices in the corporate residential areas.
A corporate in Bugolobi would love to know how prices are fairing in Najjera and Kiwatule. We shall also need an update on the corporate events. For example, when can we expect the next duck races? When does Big Tril drop the next line? What follows Parte after Parte? Beer after Beer? Kawu after Kawu? We shall need a corporate dictionary a.k.a dummy’s guide to the corporate lingua. If possible, new hires will have to attend a corporate-speak class. Instead of saying; “whatever you are saying doesn’t make sense right now, and we don’t have time”, one can simply say; “let’s take that offline.” You see, we just saved ourselves time and words.
New hires need to become conversant with words such as ‘synergy’, ‘silos’, ‘I need to pick your brain on something’, ‘pain points’ to mention but a few. Now it has been very hard deciding on the right person for this job, but if you look around, you the corporate reading this, could make a perfect fit. Or you want us to choose Mwenda and Kasyate?
Presidential advisor on Parte after Parte affairs
This one has one job, just one job, to increase the number of public holidays in the country. If a public holiday falls on a weekend, we must have a weekday compensation. The other role of this presidential advisor is to reach out to the kifeesi and we agree on an understanding. For example, kifeesi can begin offering event permits. If you do not want your event to be disrupted, you pay for the Kifeesi permit and the party animals can dance at free will.
The presidential advisor on parte after parte will produce a new list of excuses for taking days off work. Like honestly, if you get a headache on a Monday morning or Friday morning, it is clear that’s all about parte after parte. But we need a serious representative to take on this post. Should we appoint Dumpa Wine, that guy who shoots videos of himself reacting to Ugandan music? Or we just wait for the next Nyege Nyege and pick a random Nyegenian? But Museveni can take this up himself. He can advise himself!

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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