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Ladies and gentlemen… the list of noisemakers

Noisemakers: A month will probably not pass without them being in the news. They live for that and have somehow mastered the art of drawing attention to themselves — whether it happens naturally or as a strategy can sometimes be hard to tell. Whatever the case, they have stamped themselves as noisemakers.

Although Uganda seems to be a noisy place, it will shock you that a few culprits are responsible for all the noise. Take out these culprits and Kampala will be no quieter than a city in Denmark. So today we delve into ‘naming and shaming’ the Kampala noisemakers. The act of knowing them, is half the solution.

Tamale Mirundi

He is Uganda’s most published writer. There is nothing that will ever happen in this country that Tamale did not foresee and write in one of his books. Although people wonder how he failed to foretell his own exit from State House. But hey, the prophet may never see things that are close to him. Mirundi has a few enemies, and it is no surprise Andrew Mwenda comes first on that list.

This year, Mirundi helped expand the Luganda vocabulary by introducing the word; ‘abanyampi’. He speaks in parables and uses short stories as a way of passing on his message. However, others think it is how he avoids annoying the mafias. You can never attack mafias directly.

Andrew Mwenda

Imagine a scenario where Simon Kasyate is interviewing Andrew Mwenda. Who would win the Word Race? Luckily, the gods have helped us avoid such a scenario. It would take a very sober mind to pay attention to these chaps. Andrew Mwenda, a.k.a Old Man of the clan is one of a kind. He has been there, done it all, and will always be the number one source of information on any serious topic. He churns out numbers at will.

Whereas Museveni starts off with: “In 1986, when we took over power”, Mwenda will always take you through the GDP of South Korea in the 60s and the level of corruption during the industrialisation of Korea. By the time he returns to Uganda, you are convinced that indeed the Old Man of the clan is ever right. He questions everything, which often times has seen him on the side of the minority. And that is how he has always courted controversy.

Sheikh Nuhu Muzaata

He is bold, he is not scared of taking on anyone. During Rema’s kukyala, he accused Eddy Kenzo of being a ‘laavu nigg*’ , very slow to act, and non-commital. The BET award winner was not about to lose this battle, he gave Muzaata an ultimatum to apologise or else face the wrath of the ‘laavu nigga’. To pump sense into Kenzo, Ugandans on social media reminded him about all the battles Muzaata started and won. In a split second, Kenzo rescinded on his decision to camp at Kibuli and instead went to State House to deliver his latest award. Muzaata has been blessed with oratory skills, his words will always sting deep. And when he speaks, the whole country will always know that indeed Muzaata spoke.

Pastor Bujjingo and Teddy

Now there is no couple that has disturbed Kampala like this one. It took many by surprise when Bugingo announced that he had made a choice to divorce his wife. Week after week, Ugandans debated about the Bugingos. Some thought Bugingo was being ungrateful. There was a change of hearts when Teddy came out to cry about Bugingo’s failure to remit school fees for the children. That is when people blasted Teddy for being extravagant. Now that Bugingo has gone public with Makula, it is another topic for social media in-laws. It is almost impossible to spend two weeks without having something that involves Bugingo.

Bebe Cool

Madonna is known as the queen of re-invention, she re-invented herself nine times. She just managed to be relevant year on year. Now that’s Bebe Cool; from stepping on tables to fighting in bars, to crying about Zuena, he has always been on our lips. You can hate him or love him but you cannot ignore him.

With the year coming to an end, he will soon get tails wagging as he releases his annual Bebe Cool list. And at this rate, it seems like he will be number one on his list. To imagine that a year back, he was pelted with bottles. A year later, he’s rocking with a hit song. He has never been afraid to take a political stand. And in so doing, he has always disorganised Kampala.

Honourable mentions

How can we forget Sheilah Gashumba and God’s Plan? What about Frank Gashumba, the Prime Minister of the ‘laavu nigg*s’? If it is not the daughter, it is the father causing commotion. Then we have Eddy Kenzo, Rema and the famous Dr Hamza. This is one of the years where entertainment journalists have not struggled to find stories. And of course, the one and only, Bobi Wine. He has not just disturbed Kampala, he’s disturbed the President. But luckily, because of his disturbance, Buchaman was finally resurrected. In the end, all things work out for the good of the Ghetto.

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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