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When your kasukali expired!

Ian Nkera Ford

Must be disheartening when your bowl of awesomeness is suddenly empty. Not even a single crystal to shock the masses. Here you are, facing an expectant cup of tea while it faces back at you. Hoping that you can bring that ka old ‘sweetness’ back. At that moment, you are the missing piece in the puzzle that is exactly that, MISSING! Nyongeremu kasukali?? Even the rats cannot hear you. Where are your fans that hyped you? The ones that would shower a sea of hearty emojis under your ‘hot’ pics. “Our Man, Our Man,” they kuwagad you at bars after buying them drinks. Bu chics flirted with you back in the day before you hit rock bottom. That’s it right there. Realising that you just ain’t it anymore. A shadow of your former self. That is if your own shadow does not even rock with you anymore.

Where is the kasukali you have been threatening to add? Your waistline has tripled, the hairline is doing the backstroke, the firm boobs that got boys in campus retaking papers back in the day are now sinking faster than the Titanic. It pains to remind you that your kasukali could have expired, gotten stolen by the neighbour’s child or spilt in devastating fashion. Seeing our lost glory sprayed out on the ground after an accidental spillover can be heartbreaking. You remember the good old times, dive into oceans of self-pity and that’s where all hell breaks loose. The journey to trace our former glory can be a confusing one. Kale you might be staring at your dream body just right there but the pile of bad food lined up in front of you makes it a rather impossible task.

In the painful moment of spilt kasukali, you could do it African style and gather all your sweet former glory in one scoop with your dirty hands. Or you could head out to buy another kilo or half a kilo in case of you perennially broke folks. Half kilo?? Iyiiii why embarrass your clan like this. Anyway, your bowl might be almost empty, but that shouldn’t stop you from making one tasty latte or ‘kisyanga’ for your low budget ninjas. Either way, the glory isn’t permanently lost. The sweetness of the past can be recalled kindly or violently.

The process might be a painful one, or rather a long one. If you were once a baddie before you grew older and started giving birth, you can recover that banging body. The year is ending but won’t end with you. We move regardless. Carry your receding hairline into the new year with optimism. Someday things might get better. Doctors must be working overnight to save you the embarrassment of shaving your entire head. Your children might have started using your forehead as a ngolo training centre but we keep hope. Kasukali might be thin but the kachai is still hot. Let’s throw that on their heads. Jilted partners are advised to think cautiously on that previous sentence.

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