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You came out of the village, but did it leave you?

Straight outta…: You have probably been in a position where you will experience something with someone and then ask for their background and then suddenly everything makes sense to you. We are defined by our roots.

Uganda is a country of many tales, tales of its diversity and tales of its different towns. But every town comes with its own story. No two towns are alike. Let’s delve into these towns and what sets them up.

Kampala
Kampala is the city you hate to love. It is the party capital of Africa. No other city throws a party like Kampala. Kampala is a drug, an addictive one. Once you live here, you cannot stand going a month without tasting the fruits of its craziness. Kampala does not discriminate. It serves everyone according to their level. Kampala is the queen of options, a.k.a package. Do you want a Muyenga package? Then Kampala’s got you covered. But Kampala is full of street smarts. It is full of promise makers. Everyone in Kampala is trying to leech off someone.

It is a city where everyone has mastered the game of taking something from someone. It is only in Kampala where it is party after party, and musicians can boldly name themselves ‘Kapa Cat’.
Kampala is the only city that has developed its own language. Sikyo? If you begin hearing lines such as ‘let me call you back’ or ‘I am expecting some ka money’, then be certain you are in Kampala. If you are in a restaurant and ‘meere yonna’ is an option, you are in Kampala. If you have to raise the car windows in traffic jam, then you are Kampala. Love Kampala for its sins, love it for its beauty, it is a drug.

Arua
Arua is famous for its rocks. It is only in Arua where a rock penetrated an armored car. But what happens when you are stuck between two borders? It automatically makes you business savvy. That is what happened in Arua. Everyone is a broker for everything. If you land in Arua on a Saturday, you will find woke people. They are woke like butterflies freshly emerged from the confines of a caterpillar. I suspect that if you can live in Arua for a year, you can run any business without struggle. Above all, you cannot separate Arua people from their rumba music, a.k.a Lingala, as Ugandans love to call it. The quickest way through the hearts of an Arua man is to show up with a business deal with a Congolese musician.

Fort Portal
There is a rumour that God was so pleased with Fort Portal, he spent all his time perfecting it. By the time he was done with Fort Portal, all he had on him was dust and toil for the people in Bulindo and Buwaate. Fort Portal comes with calmness. That is why we have often wondered how Andrew Mwenda survived in Fort Portal. Did the gods make an error? There is just no way in a million worlds such a chatterbox could survive in Fort Portal. Worse still, in Kanyandahi. If you are looking for gracefulness, look no beyond than Fort Portal. But above all, if you are looking for God’s perfect creations, then this is where God perfected the art and science of creating a human being.

Jinja
We need a day set aside to celebrate the innovativeness of Jinja. Above all, we need a chapatti monument just as one sets foot in Jinja. Because how on earth would bachelors and bachelorettes have managed life in Kampala without the chapatti? If you are looking to taste the best chapattis, then you must seek out the stoves of Jinja.

However, one thing has knocked off the chapatti. It is Nyege Nyege, both in its literal and figurative meanings. Jinja is the source of life. Now imagine life in Uganda without Nyege Nyege, what will happen to our savings? What will be the use of all the money that we make? Why would someone toil every morning, take orders from a boss if there is no Nyege Nyege. But have you also noticed that Zari, Zuena and Quiin Abenakyo all come from Jinja? Shouldn’t that tell you something? We trust that you can decipher the message. It is all about Jinja.

Kabale
Kabale is cold. Its men and women are cold and so is their speech. If you will love Kabale for one thing, it is the bluntness. Don’t expect anyone to sugarcoat your flaws while in Kabale. Forget about the chasing game before you can date a woman. In Kabale, you walk to her, clearly tell her what you need and how long you will need it. You will instantly get feedback. She will let you know if it’s a yes, or a no. And the ‘No’ may come with a slap. But thanks to Kabale, we have been able to groom men who will stand up to anything without fear or favour. And this is another tip, while in Kabale, check out their samosas. That is one delicacy they have mastered.

Masaka
Just like Jinja, Masaka needs a monument of a giant grasshopper. Have you noticed that most mechanics are from Masaka? Most builders are from Masaka. Most carpenters are from Masaka. They are the champions of the trade skills. But they are also the champions of ‘kalimi’. No wonder few people can outcompete them in Kikuubo.

A Masaka person will make you believe that they are capable of everything. They will convince a Rema to forget about being a Mukyala Doctor until she cries out in Siri Muyembe. Despite never having mastered the English language, Masaka chaps will force their lips and tongue to speak this language. If you are looking for a never die, cowboy attitude, look no further than Masaka.
We return next week with the hidden pockets of Busia, Mbale, Tororo, Mbale and Entebbe….

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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