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Make waaaay y’all… Subaru approaching

Always revved up: There is just something about Subaru drivers that gives them that urge for speed. Is it the nature of their cars or is it just the need to be noticed? Many of us have experienced these guys and their monsters on the road and most times, it is only safe to give them way.

Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, the mere mention of the word spurs different images in people’s minds. Some love them, some loathe them. Everyone has a memory of two or a Subaru driver. At least, everyone has a bone to pick with them. For that reason, due to popular demand, we shall dedicate this week to deconstructing the mind and lifestyle of a Subaru driver.

Need for speed

Speed and Subaru drivers are like conjoined twins. It has been rumoured that many Subaru drivers  are men who graduated from playing Need for Speed and all the other racing games on their screens. Having lived a lot of this life in a virtual world, they cannot wait to try out all the tricks in the reality that is Ugandan roads.

Problem is, Ugandan roads come with their plethora of problems, from being narrow to having more potholes than tarmac. Despite this, Subaru drivers will still go ahead to rev up those engines and hit the high speeds. It is rumoured that Subaru drivers have always imagined themselves as pilots preparing for takeoff. They hate to be delayed, they will hoot at everything in front of them and overtake everything that is considered too slow for them.

Laavu nigg*s

It is easier for Muzaata to apologise to Kenzo than to get a Subaru driver walking down the aisle. Subaru drivers and commitment are two divergent lines. If you want to get a Subaru driver in a panic attack, dare to drop the question: “What are we now?”

Male Subaru drivers have also been accused of keeping all the best girls to themselves. This could explain why Toyota drivers cannot stop complaining and whining about Subaru drivers. The hate is justified. Subaru drivers have all the pick-up lines, they know all the cool hangout places. There is no boredom in the life of a Subaru driver. It is parte after parte. As such, Subaru drivers have created this dream world that many aspire to partake of. Mbu as you read this, your girlfriend is telling a Subaru driver that you died last year.

A ka 50K

Owning a Subaru is like having a newborn baby. It does not come cheap. It costs a buck to own one. It also costs a buck to maintain one. Therefore, Subaru drivers are always in and out of garages trying to keep their cars at their best. Unfortunately, this leaves most of them broke. Empty wallets make a lot of noise. For Subaru drivers, this noise is the revving of their car engines. Whatever they lack in wallets, they compensate with speed.

Do not be surprised to find Subaru drivers sliding in inboxes to ask for a ‘ka 50K’. You cannot blame them, they have invested all their savings in a Subaru. They are the type that will count their money from the pockets. Subaru drivers are wary of formal dinner dates, they prefer catching a beer or sharing a bottle of coco at a bar. They are always looking at the least of initial investments with the highest of returns.

Disdain for suits

It has been said before that when you see a Subaru driver in a suit, be sure it is to do with child support. From caps and sunglasses to jeans and t-shirts, that is the dresscode of a Subaru driver. They prefer to keep it simple. They will never forget their sunglasses and their caps. It is rumoured that the sunglasses hide all their sins, the hangovers, the lies in their eyes, the debts, while caps, well, they hide their receding hairlines.

Najjera, Kisaasi, Kyanja

Subaru drivers have a thing for flatlets. They love to call them; “lofts”. It sounds cooler and inviting when they talk about their lofts. These lofts are always located in Najjera, Kisaasi, Kyanja, Kiwatule and a few in Bugolobi. A Subaru driver is either at the bar, the loft, the car or at work. There is no other place to find a Subaru driver. One of these days if floods happen to cut off these areas, then peace may return to Kampala roads. Just as it was suggested that Vitz drivers should buy their fuel in sachets, it is suggested that Subaru drivers pay a road tax for their reign of terror.

SMACK, NGO, Ntare

By the way, most Subaru drivers also happen to have graduated from single sex schools. It explains their rare love for rugby, there is that insatiable drive to prove a point, the fight of alpha males. Every time a SMACK alumni buys a Subaru Forester, a NGO alumni will follow up with a Legacy while the Ntare one will compensate with an Exiga. The battle of the best, and greatest schools has been taken to the roads.

If you think Subaru drivers are trying to outcompete other drivers, you are mistaken. Subaru drivers think they are in a competition with fellow Subaru drivers. Whenever they spot another driver on the road, the challenge is always unlocked.

#AmNotMyCar

Now that we have tried to deconstruct the Subaru driver, it turns out that we could all be wrong. That there are just a few rabid Subaru drivers bringing the hate on the whole family. But hey, Subaru drivers could consider running a campaign to prove us otherwise. Perhaps get car stickers that read #AmNotMyCar or #SiiriLaavuNigga… just saying. Or else we shall gift our favourite Sheikh with a bag of rice to dedicate a sermon to Subaru drivers.

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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