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The things your phone says about you

RING RING: We have talked schools and cars, now let’s see what those handsets we carry around say about us. Are you the iPhone user who even has no idea why you own it, if not for owning it just for just or are you the stuck in Stone Age Nokia owner?

Phones speak volumes about a person. From a mile away, you can know in seconds about a Ugandan just by looking at the phone they hold. After many pleas, it is time to take on yet another risky route and dissect the world of Ugandans and their phones. Given that most people spend more time with their phones than with any other thing in the world, you can expect this to be a slippery path.

iPhone users

iPhone is like a cult. Any slight criticism of a cult is usually taken as a direct attack on the things the cult members hold dear. Truth be told, iPhone users can never completely explain why they hold an iPhone. If you want to see them sweat out their alcohol, dare drop the bomb about why they hold an iPhone. You will begin to hear things such as ‘Siri’ and how she knows better than Mr Google. You will be told about the Bluetooth incompatibility issues. You will be told how they cannot freely download music. But at the end of the day, you also realise that most iPhone holders are broke. Otherwise, why would all of them keep the same ringtone? But then they will ask; “How shall you know we are holding an iPhone if not for the ringtone or the half-bitten apple?”

Of course I still hold an iPhone but yours truly considers himself an exception. For most iPhone holders, they are slay queens taking bathroom selfies, they are quasi-intellectuals claiming to be in love with everything Steve Jobs created. But in the end, you realise it is just a group of chaps undergoing a mid-life crisis, wondering: “What’s the meaning of life?” If you cannot build your own house yet or win a global award, you can at least prove you have something going on with your life by holding an iPhone and the funny chargers that last as short as Ugandan relationships.

Nokia users

Okay, we understand there was a time when Nokia ran the world of things. We remember those days when we all recited those Nokia ringtones. We remember the bush wars of Nokia 3310. But unfortunately, it is not 1986 anymore. We now have Bad Black, we have Fresh Kid. So the stories of the bush wars make no sense. Nokia users are a true replica of the man at the helm. They have no other justification for holding a Nokia, except an empty wallet. But they try to refine this justification by making claims about the great battery. And then throwing monk lines about: “the purpose of the phone is to make and receive calls.” Every time you hear people make comments such as: “money doesn’t really matter, phones don’t matter”, run for your dear life, you are speaking to people who have found all clever ways of justifying their failures.

The saying goes, if you cannot have something, then claim to hate it. Nokia users are conservative, boring and the true definition of this is how we did it, this is how we shall always do it.

Samsung users

If you hold a Samsung, it is clear proof that you are normal. Normal people hold a Samsung. They basically do normal people things. They wake up in the morning, rush to the shower, force feed, get in jam, all the way from the outside countries of Bulindo, Najjera, Kulambiro then head off to work at a normal job.

On Friday evenings, they go to normal places, to meet other normal people. On Sunday afternoon, it hits them that they are normal when they realise that the following day is a Monday. So if you are looking for people fond of rules, people who will not try to challenge the status quo, you ought to look around Samsung holders. But kindly do not expect extraordinary things out of these phone holders. At the end of the day, the best use of their phone has been the endless photos in their galleries and the maximisation of the social media apps. There is also a high chance that someone reading this is holding a Samsung. If it is not your friend, then you are one. And there is no crime in being normal. It is just evidence that you live life as it comes.

Tecno

These people know how to get it done in the quickest way possible. If you want a smartphone or to put it in Ugandan speak, if you want a phone that can smoothly host social media apps, then the quickest way to get one is to buy a Tecno. Given that Tecno has made great strides, its users have also turned into travel bloggers over time, thanks to the exciting camera features. But let’s drop the actual truth, Tecno has become the phone for all those people with fuzzy job titles or to also put it simply, it is the phone for bloggers, influencers, millennials (this is now a job title). But like Tekno sang, another man food, another man poison. Let Tecno holders take on their cross in peace. We cannot blame people for choosing beans over meat.

 Cracked screens

Due to public demand, we were asked to gazette space for this special category of phone users. If you are looking for the trade union of phone users, then it is the cracked screens, cracked protectors association. Just as we pay OTT, we need to begin paying taxes for cracked screens and protectors. If you cannot replace your phone screen, then you cannot afford your phone.

But everything aside, why would a fully grown-up adult walk around in public with a cracked screen protector? Or you still want us to ‘kubuuza manager?’ But given that the cracked screens movement is big, let me exercise restraint lest they gang up on Twitter with #CrackedScreensMatter.

Given that life is too short, that explains why your phone type has not featured. Or to probably say, you can hit back at @OrtegaTalks explaining why your phone matters anyway…

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

 

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