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Are you straight outta this K’la hood?

The neighbourhood: We all are guilty of judging people basing on where they live or grew up from and sometimes we just look at someone and take a wild guess. Well, if you are one of those who seem to have trouble placing people, let’s break it down for you.

 

 

I have often had suspicions about people who reside in different Kampala suburbs. Let it be said, that those suspicions have since then been confirmed. Of course, exceptions may exist as with all rules and laws, but it does not nullify the accuracy of the law. It is impossible for a Kireka person to have the same mannerisms as a Kisaasi person. Or to expect a Nansana dweller to manifest in the same style as a Muyenga person. Let’s dissect these suburbs even further.

Kisaasi, Kyanja, Najjera aka Millennial Hubs
It is almost impossible to live comfortably in these areas unless one is a millennial. You know you are in these areas when it does not take a minute before one of those boda-boda apps people or food delivery guys bypass you. You will find the best and worst of millennials here. Here everyone claims to live in an apartment. In case you are looking for phone addicts, people who are always a month away from bankruptcy, people in complicated relationships (bachelors and bachelorettes), people who worship Nyege Nyege as their must-attend event, then yes, you have met the inhabitants of Kisaasi, Kyanja and Najjera.

Please note, a number of Najjera dwellers claim to live in Kiwatule and those in Kulambiro claim to live in Kyanja. It is just common with these residents, speaking in coded language to make it seem like they are cool. If it attends Nyege Nyege, hangs around only in lounges, claims to prefer spirits to beers, uses a travel app, is addicted to its phone, then you have found a Kisaasi resident.

Kulambiro, Mbalwa, Nyanama, Bunamwaya, Buwate aka Dust Capital
Whereas the rest of the world is busy trying to make sense of fiscal policies, age limit rulings, these chaps are busy sniffing dust. During the dry season, they are busy cursing the dust. In the rainy season, they have to deal with cars skidding and the mud that comes with it. Over time, these chaps have become loners because no one wants to risk visiting them. They have found a way around their hard life, always move with extra shoes, move with a shoe brush and wash their face first thing at work.

As someone once suggested, in the next KCCA budget, we should consider building a public washroom in the city to serve residents of Buwate and Kulambiro. I could have added Busabala and Kasangati residents, but those ones are suffering because of their poor choices. If you are a dude in Kulambiro and girls keep turning down your invites, please understand, it is not them, it is your dust.

Kireka, Kamuli, Bweyogerere, Nansana, Zana, Namasuba aka Kifeesi Capital
If you have lived here long enough, you will have scars to show for your wins in life. Losing a phone and wallet is no longer news, it is another part of life. Having thieves breaking into your house is nothing to shout about, it is life anyway. When we get to heaven, these people will be exempted from punishment, they served their days of hell on earth.

Zana is also known for being home to all wannabe music artists. You know the boys who move around with Ugandan artistes. Well, most of them reside in Zana and Namasuba. They are fashionistas, they know how to dress the part on a budget. They are skilful bargainers. Above all, they are resilient creatures because every evening, they have to fight their way into the taxi back home.

Naalya residents aka Arrivalism Syndrome
I am beginning to suspect that most Budonians are either renting in Naalya or chose to buy houses in these areas. There is a Budonian aura that hits you once you cross the Naalya round-about at the bypass. No wonder, nothing ever gets to work here. Why, for example, would you have a dead mall in the middle of the estate? It just failed. They would rather drive to the city centre to do their shopping than do it in the neighbourhood. Even Liquid Silk could not stand their snobbishness. There is an elitism, a constant delusion that Naalya is where the best of society resides. They are particular about the cars they choose to drive and the schools their children attend. They have found a new hobby in jogging, and losing weight. They even claim to be on a Ketogenic diet. And by some magic, they have all built magnificent countryside homes. Maybe, just maybe, the Nakalema force ought to position itself in Naalya.

Bugolobi, Entebbe aka Play It Safe
It is often said that in Bugolobi, children never move out of their parents’ homes. When the children become old, the parents move out and leave the home to the children. Most Bugolobi residents have grown up here, studied around and still live in Bugolobi. They have no idea what happens in other parts of this city. They will hang around in Bugolobi and will not even date anyone outside Bugolobi.

What is it about Bugolobi aka Bugos that makes chaps very attached? Wonder no more. That’s Bugolobi chaps, they want to play it safe all the time. They will never start up a fight, for example. They will always settle everything with the police. If police cannot help, then they have the hashtag or a car wash. That is how they fight their battles, with a hashtag in the left hand and a car wash in the right hand. You are bound to find them on four apps: Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest and Instagram.

They cannot handle the rough terrain on Facebook. They would never last a day in a Mama Tendo group. Rumour has it that themed birthday parties were invented in Bugolobi, brunches, baby showers, all things that drain a man’s wallet came out of a Bugos mind. Hang around them at your own risk. They would not mind spending their rent on buying a Christian Dior or Louis Vuitton attire.

Twitter: @OrtegaTalks

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