You never really know the power of an LC 1 chairperson until you need their prized stamp on your official documents. It does not come cheap or easily (if you know you know). You will have to sacrifice your corporate ‘lugezigezi’ to deal with them or else they will humble you. ‘Chairman’s’ office/home is impossible to find unless some random child in dirty torn shorts (ignore any other guide who dresses differently) leads you there. It is not a place for everyone to know about because you villagers have so many zibs.
No one finds ‘chairman’ on the first try because for some reason, they are always away for a ‘sister’s burial’. It is their civic duty to bury everyone in their lineage so always expect a ka “come back tomorrow”. Even tomorrow will have another excuse. Not anyone can see them fwaa. That is power right there. It must feel good to make so many people hunt for you while you smoke one at the rolex stand unbothered. They can wait for all you care.
As you cool kids continue to boycott these LC 1 elections, others are willing to do anything for it. They are ready to stand for these positions and bear the shame of seeing no one line up behind them. Such a tough world yo! But anyway, if you ever want to be the boss man in your kaalo, I got you.
Down to earth
You will have to be a person of the people. That means a person who listens, ready to help and just your ordinary nice guy who can come to his village’s rescue. And of course, be a person who answers their phones. Some of y’all switch off your phones and hibernate when your clan members give you an SOS call. If you are the kind of person who only receives calls from their mother, village zibs are not for you. It is a sacrificial job. You must carry your village on your back like a Cristiano Ronaldo or Lebron James. That selflessness cannot be found with anyone.
You should be the person they can easily call when couples are fighting, children sent away for fees or a child disappears from the village. Be their go-to person. Play matatu with them, talk about the cool stuff like the new borehole around the corner and kindly do not drown on those sachets of UG waragi alone. Share those blessings with your village folks. Massive trust is built here. They will root for you.
Bury one, get two burials free
So you are there with your entire family alive. What are you doing with your life? Is there no satan in your family or neighbourhood to rid us of all you people? How does evil skip your lineage? It is time to revisit your life and bury some souls. As an LC1 chairperson, you are mandated to bury someone per quarter. These are stats that you need to keep at the back of your mind. If you have visited their homes or offices for some services, these people are always at a ‘burial’ of some relative or kalo mate.Hmm these excuses! Be prepared to have burials on promo. Bury one, get two more burials for free.
To be any LC1 chairperson, your work is rated by how many wreaths you can lay, not how many zibs you can solve. Ohh gosh! Finding Mr Chairman is close to impossible in my village. Burying is plot for the week. Dude will not give two stems about stamping anyone’s papers. These chairpersons do not joke.
Have the ‘balls’
It takes some balls for one to come forward and stand for some of these posts. A job of such power and influence is sought after by the top brass of the village. Imagine winning LC1 elections and you are handed a state of the art bicycle to help you in your work. Unbelievable, right? A job where you can live in GPS-alien locations has got to be crazy. As exciting as these benefits appear, you need to gather the guts to step forward. Such a job will need someone of great guts to take on the village’s problems.
Have the guts to stand forward on Election Day as you wait for cadres to show support and vote you. Have the same guts to remind anyone that whoever does not vote you will face your wrath. Everyone shall line up.
Well, wasn’t I helpful? Go be useful in your village.