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HOW TO BE … the not-so-great-afterall Mugabe

GAME OVER: He had only three more years to strike 40 years as President but no, fate just had to ruin it all for him. Poor Robert Mugabe! Even as much as the body wanted and the will was still there like he was still 50, the Zimbwabeans had had enough. And just like that, the once great leader came crumbling! Why did it have to end so?

And just like that, Robert Gabriel Mugabe resigned as the President of Zimbabwe after 37 long years at the helm. Unbelievable! For the longest time, we knew African revolutionaries of Mugabe’s stature do not quit or resign fwaa. They are willing to grip onto any last hope of power till guns come calling. They do not negotiate, period! To think that the 93-year-old Mugabe had to negotiate with his army, in pyjamas at ungodly hours of the night is simply baffling. Couldn’t they at least wait for breakfast? Some soldiers lack basic manners.
In all fairness, it was a peaceful coup, no guns popped. Uncle Bob was kindly ordered to resign, a deal he was not comfortable with but agreed to. Like the vintage power-drunk Mugabe, he broke the hearts of Zimbabweans who eagerly waited for him to resign with the most televised “goodnight” message in history. Yes, the dude called his entire nation on National TV just to wish them a good night and sweet dreams, like a legit boss. “Our money, our money.” Zimbabweans were heard ranting. No surprise there. African leaders do not just swallow, especially Uncle Bob.
After some soul searching and impeachment looming, the guy finally resigned in writing. Like adios, kwaheri. Who knew that the great Mugabe would go down by the mercy of pen and ink? That is life for you. As his signature dries, your favourite idler will give you some tips to walk his path.

mugabe

Forever Stubborn
If you have been big-headed all your life, the good news is, carry on. The Uncle Bob of old never backed down. In an era where Whites were bulldozing Africans for their land, he stood up to them (excuse his height problems), and they shivered.
The pint-sized Mugabe made White colonialists scatter from Zimbabwe when it was illegal to talk. There is just something about short men and their unwillingness to take orders from anyone.
For some strange reason, all my short friends always have an opinion and it is never popular. You will hear their noise from under the table and it can be unsettling. Mugabe gave the White man some heat, from under the table. Never take orders just for the sake, because you are no lap dog.
Be willing to square up with your friends, your bosses, wife, in a fist-fight for your beliefs. Rules and procedures are for sissies. Run a red traffic light to show you are the boss. If you wanna be single all your life, avoid the emotional blackmail these slay kyanas will put you up to, always. Stay woke!

Age is just a number
At 93 years old, Robert Mugabe still thinks he has got it. Discount all the long naps at international conferences or the occassional slips, guy is strong. At a certain age you do not doze, you process things. The pictures taken of him about to fall off his seat are only works of the devil. Mugabe does not attempt to fall off his perch but rather reposture his ideas, thoughts and dreams. It is intellectual dozing.
Many of you cannot sit upright though a one-hour church sermon yet you have the audacity to diss Uncle Bob. Respect the man. There is stamina racked up somewhere in his dinosaur bones. Teenagers like Moses Ali should master the art of naps and not appear like they suffered a coma in a Budget reading.
You wanna be like Robert Mugabe, attempt to cheat age and death at all times. Do not let mere wrinkles at a tender age of 74 fool you that you cannot hold onto public office any longer. Dude, you are Buzz Teeniez worthy. Those who want you to say goodbye are mistaken. Where are they going?
Mugabe still has his groove on, at least he believed so. Battery low does not faze us smartphone users. We are ready to die at 1 per cent battery. In fact, retirement is for the weak. Hang in there until you are completely finished, senile or dead.

The ‘Grace’ period
Robert Gabriel Mugabe allowed himself a ‘Grace’ period, that derailed his life, his beliefs and turned his country against him. His wife, Grace Ntombizodwa Mugabe, ladies and gentlemen! The slay First Lady with a love for extravagance and a lavish lifestyle could have well dented his legacy. Guys, slay queen tendencies grow into old age so watch out who you marry.
This woman has almost run Zimbabwe into debt because of her love of Gucci bags and expensive travels abroad.
Uncle Bob massaged her dirty habits so much that she was as if waiting for him to die and she takes over. Evil woman! You wanna watch your life change for the worst? Allow a slay queen into your life. You will regret. Now check Uncle Bob things doing abnormal presidential things like resigning. Mschewwww.
Well what you waiting for, go be like the Great Mugabe

Twitter: @InK_era35

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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