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How to be… the attention-seeking Anite

TOO MUCH FIRE: We all like to show that we are working at our places of work, but there are those people that like to show the boss that they are putting in a little more effort. If Evelyn Anite was your workmate, bet you would be eyerolling everyday

Do you guys remember a Telecom Company called Uganda Telecom? You do not? C’mon guys, at least you must remember the huge landline phones that sat like landmines on every table at home in the 90s and early 2000s. That thing that rung like a bomb in Syria and furiously woke the neighbours. Landlines were the thing back in the day. If you gave your crush or potential employer your landline number, that meant that you had to camp at home for hours or days with anxiety waiting for that one call. When that call came, it was a ceremony. Something to celebrate.
Well, UTL dished out those until we embraced the mobile phone era. They eventually went into offering mobile telecom services, which thrived before eventually going into acrimony and almost inactive. Minister of State for Finance, Investment and Privatisation Evelyn Anite isn’t happy so she wants to see Uganda Telecom revived and saved from the jaws of foreign investors.
According to Anite, it will be a must for everyone to carry a UTL sim card as a way of being more patriotic. How this will be implemented remains a mystery but this is quite funny considering that Ugandans don’t usually buy into that patriotism jazz. Everyone is on their own. For Anite to say something that outlandish, there is no surprise. We got used.
Anyway, to be like Anite, here are your favourite idler’s tips.

Speak Fwaaaaaaaa
Evelyn Anite is a rare breed. She was taught to always be candid about what she believes in. You know the children that always had their hands up in class, as if to show that others were a classified group of fools. The ones of “Teacher, teacher me” Anhaaaa, those ones. They probably went on to become irritating opposition leaders and the others turned out to be Evelyn Anite.
Itching to say something that will excite the President or get favour, Anite always has something to say. Kati now the issue of UTL sim cards being forced on us. And what should we do with them? Will people be given extra phones? Does she even think of the cost to have this implemented? No, apparently because she has to be patriotic.
To be like the vocal Anite, look for the most distant thoughts in your head, the ones your brain pays no mind to and put them out there. It would help if you sipped a little something. Madame Anite, we don’t want your sim cards.

Be Loyal…..as if
Remember that scene in Kyankwanzi when Anite knelt down to profess her loyalty for Sevo and pushed a motion to make him the NRM sole candidate? She even once said her mother raised her to work for Sevo. That loyalty has paid off with ministerial appointments and a number of other key responsibilities she has handled. People will claim her loyalty has never been genuine. Well, what has your ‘genuine’ loyalty done for you? You guys work your socks off in your cubicles and the only pat on your back is when cockroaches are creeping up your shirt. Rethink your strategies. Call her an opportunist if you like. She saw where the grass was greener and swore to die by it.
To be like Anite, spot your grass and hang onto it. Let your loyalty be visible. If Anite could kneel before her boss, why shouldn’t you? Dude you’ve got to earn that promotion. Pick his children from school if you must or even help him get his clothes from the dry cleaners. Of course deep down, you will still see him as the fat irritating boss but stroke his belly for rewards. “Kampala Kibuga Kya Ba Sharp”.

Be as controversial as ever
Anite has raffled so many feathers ever since she burst onto the political scene as a young, vibrant and heavily-vocal individual. She has shaken heavyweights like Amama Mbabazi (oba where did this one go), Matia Kasaijja and a couple of others. She likes to stand out at the wrongest time, saying the most misplaced things but yeah, we adjusted to it.
If you are going to be as vocal and controversial as Anite, make sure you have “dzaddy” behind you. Jail is real people. Stella Nyanzi is a classic example. Sevo calls Anite his “daughter” and this gives her all the confidence to do whatever she wants. Problem is that many of you ladies call men “dzaddy” for all the wrong reasons. But that’s besides the point. To be like Anite, you must have a special disliking for peace and harmony. You should be aroused by people minding their business and get them talking. If you are humble, politics is not for you. Maybe you should try the monastery.
Well there you have it, go be like Evelyn Anite.

Twitter: @InK_era35

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

 

 

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