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How to be…the elusive Tom Voltaire Okwalinga

Catch him if you can: He is probably the biggest thorn in the government’s flesh. He is the kind of guy who knows what’s going on, where, who is involved and all the nitty gritty only spies should know. Tom Voltaire Okwalinga is some Snowden of sorts, but as everyone tries to find out who he is, here is how to be him.

The identity of Tom Voltaire Okwalinga (TVO) has been contentious and something of public interest for a while. It is because a Facebook account in that name has been publicly criticising the government for long and nobody seems to know who exactly is running the account. A one Robert Shaka was arrested after being linked to this account, only for Okwalinga to call out the police for wasting their time and that the man they held wasn’t him. Oooops!!! Joke on the police. It is only recently that veteran journo Andrew Mwenda tried to ‘expose’ the men behind the vicious Facebook account, but somehow people didn’t seem to buy this, especially TVO.

Tom Voltaire Okwalinga remains the most mythical and the most dangerous stalker in history. He has exposed government dirty laundry time and again. Now government is like a little church girl whose nudes are on the loose and is terrified about what her family will think of her. They are scared to their skin and will arrest anyone from a bystander to a rolex seller on the roadside who is linked to that account. For now, we can only look forward to those long Facebook posts attacking the government. To be like TVO, here is your guide.

Be the Evil Ex
When a chick says, “Let’s just be friends”, there are guys who actually follow up with this proposal after a break-up. Boss, your madame doesn’t want you and is veiling this message with some cute “let’s be friends” nonsense. That’s a dead end. Chaps want to take their exes out, spend their last dimes on an ex who has evolved into this beloved friend. You are a fool bruh! Pack up your pieces of a broken heart and go. Channel all your anger into something more useful like a Facebook account and vent. TVO is thought to have been a huge follower of Sevo and his government. Mbu they later fell out, so he is now one big angry ex. If you have ever taken nudes of your once beloved ex, it is time to let them out to the world. If your boys lusted over her day and night, now might be the time to show them how gravity has severed her boobs. Show the world how this goddess of a woman is stripped with stretch marks the way black and white stripe a Zebra in the Murchisson Falls National Park. Nobody is perfect. Make that point clear.

Be an advanced stalker
Tom Voltaire Okwalinga has elevated this game of stalking. His trusted sources have ensured that he knows what is happening and what is being said in the government corridors at all times. If your stalking is only centered around taking screenshots of flashy girls on Instagram, it is time to take it a notch higher. Find out the sponsor of this lavish lifestyle, look into her past and report. Let us know of her past as a dotting housegirl somewhere in Nakulabye. Don’t act surprised. These Instagram girls are not what you think they are in real life. They have less than fancy backgrounds. If your friends claim to be balling and living the flashy life, you might want to dig up the pieces. Find out who has visited the loans desk the most or the one who is sucking off a sugar mummy’s mammaries for dimes.

To be like TVO, be as nosy as you can. Always have your ear firm on the ground. Make everyone’s business your business but knowing Ugandans, this shouldn’t be difficult. If you intend to snoop on gavo like the mighty TVO, I am afraid I cannot help you. Luzira has never been one of my dream destinations.

Always speak up
Tom Voltaire Okwalinga’s dislike for the government is well documented. He vents about the ills of the government and Sevo on his Facebook page day in day out. Sevo irks him and he is not the type to mince words. By exposing the government, he hopes that Uganda will witness a new dawn one day with a new regime. To be like TVO, you should always speak up for what you believe in, even if it requires going ghost and concealing your identity. It must be fun for TVO to watch a bunch of chaps struggle to know who he is yet he could be just an ordinary random guy shaking up a government in the environs of some ka Internet café in Kireka. Hmm this world!
Anyway there you have it, go ahead and be like the very vocal TVO.
2015: THE YEAR A ONE ROBERT SHAKA WAS ARRESTED
ON SUSPICION THAT HE
WAS TVO

 

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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