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How to be…Kalyegira the troll

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WHAT HAPPENED? Timothy Kalyegira is a very respected journalist whose writing has made his name known to Ugandans, especially elite by the way. But the way this guy has ended up a critic who only breathes negative energy, is something we can only blame on his love for Europe.

Controversial journo Timothy Kalyegira has suffered with people. He constantly receives bashing for having his own twisted opinions about controversial issues and hated even more for being outspoken about them. He is like that stray boda chap we often bump into riding towards the opposite direction on a one-way street. The kind who go about honking so that you get off the road; Yes, you who is apparently following all road rules in the book. Tim would be the guy who loves to sit alone at the bar, sipping his beer quietly while questioning the DJ’s taste of music or ridiculing the fat guy’s dance moves. He won’t be gushing over a bride’s beauty on her wedding day, like everyone else. Tim will hunt for that one blemish on her face and be happy to remind everyone that she is after all not all that. The perfect mood killer! We all have such friends. They wait for the perfect moment, when excitement is in the air, only for them to remind you that the sleek iPhone you just got as a gift is the work of some very creative Chinese. Tim once spoilt our excitement for the hotly anticipated ‘Queen of Katwe’ movie with his surgical Facebook review, rendering it mediocre and not worth the hype. His opinions do not just swing by without a “mschewww” laced along with them. To be like the society and political critic, here is your guide:

Be ready for a kick in the teeth
Kalyegira speaks his mind and gets people baying for his blood. The truth according to him is seen as pure savagery. He is always the bad guy for his odd thoughts. People want to crucify him every time he posts something. If you are planning to always be honest in your opinions, book early for medical attention. To be like Kalyegira, you will have to be critical of anything around you but be ready for beef from so many people. If you have a problem with your friend’s girlfriend’s body odour, tell him about it. It’s the kind of truth that might get you killed but you must brace yourself for whatever could happen. Be a good friend that will bluntly tell someone that whatever talent he thought he had is nothing but an illusion. Look them right in the face and tell them they suck. Kill their dreams with one word and walk away. Just be ready to run when the dogs come running after you.

Tim the ‘hater’?
Timothy Kalyegira is non-conformist, meaning he is not one to follow trends just for just. He is not one to get excited about anything thrown at him, something he accuses many Ugandans of doing; that they will eat straight out of the garbage can. I think we have met such people like Kalyegira. The kind who like to sniff their food before they eat it. The kind who want to wash their hands before munching roadside chicken (whoever does this is not Ugandan). They like to question everything, look into everything with disturbing curiosity and talk about everything so openly. We call them haters here. To be like the maverick Timothy Kalyegira, look for the most beautiful thing out there, poke holes in it and wonder if it would still look as beautiful. If it still looks beautiful, try again.

‘Intellectual of Katwe’
Timothy Kalyegira is a critical thinker, a very colourful word to describe people with kajanja (the know-it alls). He likes to investigate, and he is arguably one of the best investigative journalists around. I think chicks make the best investigative journalists. She will dig into her man’s phone and discover all his co-curricular activities in record time. They leave no stone unturned. Her nosy self will research through your mobile phone, prepare a report on findings before giving you one of those boring long “who is she” talks. Ladies, you can comfortably be like Kalyegira. Be the chap who likes to do his homework about lots of stuff before embarrassing his friends with all his data, as if to show them that they know nothing. Read enough or at least pretend to.
So there you have it. Go ahead and be like our friend Timothy Kalyegira.

Critic

IF IT CATCHES HIS EYE, KALYEGIRA WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, MOST TIMES NEGATIVE
Twitter: @spoiltbrat

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

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