I never in my life thought a man could go out with a woman and spend time with her without really having intentions to date her or relationship goals. Like me, I am sure many are wrong in thinking that way.
I invested quite a lot of my time and energy in Mathew only to find out that he did not feel the same way. I know I was supposed to be really mad at him or at least cut off communication, which did not happen. Do you know why?
He is not your ordinary kind of man. His care could be mistaken for a special kind of love. I recall this one moment when I was stuck in the middle of nowhere on my way to Mbale. We had just “broken up” (was it even breaking up?) You know those things where you are not in a relationship but have serious misunderstandings as though you are. We always “broke up” and made up before an hour could elapse.
So I was stuck and only had a sign post telling me where I was. I had run out of fuel and was not anywhere close to a fuel pump. After noticing I was not getting anywhere with getting mad at him, I picked up the phone and called him to come to my rescue and in no time he was speeding over a distance of 80Km from his location with 15 litres of fuel in his car boot. That was daring enough, I thought.
He told me he dashed out bed, leaving his sick fiancée just to bring me fuel because he was scared I would be attacked. This is the biggest thing Mathew did for me, not to mention all those nights I called him, asking him to bail me out with large sums of money, which he generously gave.
But what hurt me was he never at any one moment said the words “I love you”, and you know how much every woman wants to hear these words, even when they are coming from someone they do not care about.
By the way, I could not understand how a man could ask me ask me out, get close to me, even go to the extent of having a physical relationship with me and never confess his feelings for me. Who does that?
For a long time I thought he was pretending because onlookers could tell we were in love. He often told me he missed me, cared about me and loved my company but that was all he ever said.
After a while, I got concerned and broke the rules. I told him I loved him and he went silent. Dude, I thought this was good news. I thought he felt the same way but had not said anything yet because like many guys, he didn’t know how to say it or did not want to complicate things, just in case I did not feel the same way.
“Hey, I am human, I like you, I care about you and I worry about you and that is all,” he retorted. Okay, I got the point but then needed clarification on the “like” bit. But he still did not mention what I needed to hear. I gave up and waited.
He said: “You know what? I had a very beautiful girlfriend in high school. We loved each other so much and we planned on marrying someday. One fateful day together with her elder sister, she decided to head to the city for a modelling audition—she had always wanted to be a model. On their way, their taxi crashed. The two died on spot and that’s how I lost my woman. Since then, I have not fallen in love.
And all that time I thought we had a connection. But the story was a sad one. I hugged him and told him I understood (trust me I didn’t). It was a whole 10 years ago.
Meanwhile, that was only a part of his story. He was later forced into a relationship by his friends and a child was born out of it. So Becky’s parents insisted he should marry her and love her because he loves his daughter. But he said he had a special connection with me.
I now know that emotional attraction is quite weird. When a man is emotionally attracted to you, he will not even explain why because he does not know and yes, it is possible that someone will ‘like you’, feel safe when with you, and love your company to the marrow, care about you, but will not love you like you want to be loved.