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How to be … the mysterious Christopher Aine

 

The resurrection. He got the whole nation talking when he disappeared, they talked when claims surfaced that he was dead, with a body to prove, and we won’t stop talking about his sudden reappearence. Ian Ford Nkera lets you in on what it takes to be Christopher Aine.

Just when you thought nothing in Uganda could surprise you, Christopher Aine decided to ‘resurrect’. The former head of security in Amama Mbabazi’s campaign team went missing shortly after the Ntungamo fracas in December, and was rumoured to have been killed by some unknown assailants. This was after horrific photos were leaked to the media showing what looked like a dead Aine. It turns out, the dude was alive all along, growing his hair (as he says) somewhere in Dar-es-Salaam.
He must have laughed at how the whole saga was played out in the media with all the conspiracy theories developed by various political analysts. And for a person who was feared dead, he looked quite fresh on his resurrection. In fact, he looked better than he did when he had his freedom, which made allegations about his kidnap and torture seem like one bad joke. If you believe in resurrection, here is your guide on how to be like the notorious Christopher Aine;

The Tough-looking Coward
Christopher Aine is a trained security operative who was chosen to head Amama Mbabazi’s security detail. The tough-looking former soldier was touted as one of the ring-leaders in the Ntungamo clashes where Go Forward supporters were accused of attacking NRM supporters.
A man with such a military background was expected to face his detractors head-on, but he instead chose to fade into hiding. While others would call this a tactical move, I am certain this was a cowardly move. Are you the kind that talks big in bars before putting up a disappearing act when the issue of settling the bill is brought up?
Are you the kind to talk tough with your boys yet rats in your house make you quiver. Boss, we see you. Those are the traits of Christopher Aine.

‘You can fake Death’
Desperate times call for desperate measures. It is a principle of life and very often, people are called into actions they didn’t plan for. It is not just a defense mechanism, it’s survival. The streets are not your average playground, they are a warzone.
If you are overwhelmed by the attacks, fall down and fake death. Your fellow soldiers and God will understand. When Christopher Aine learnt that the police was on his heels, the dude disappeared, never to be seen. These banks and loan sharks that make your life a living hell when you default on payments should learn that some of us ‘cease’ to exist. In fact, we ceased to exist after the first installment was made. We don’t want to hear from you. Leave us alone as we rest in peace. Don’t come knocking at my apartment in Najjera, because I will be ‘deceased’ until further notice. See you in heaven.
If she is constantly asking you where your ‘thing’ with her is headed, it must be noted that you are aboard the Uganda Funeral Services van and won’t be back soon. Let her know this in advance. If you have been telling her that you stay in Muyenga and then you hear her voice at your door in Kasokoso, you are legally allowed to appear ‘dead’. Do not allow to die twice in your movie.

Have a timely resurrection
Just like Christopher Aine, your resurrection should be timely. When you seem to be fading from everyone’s memory, that is when you should make a comeback.
Aine waited until the election craze had gone down, before he could resurface. And no, he wasn’t your ordinary ghost. He looked more polished, with a skin that was visibly glowing like Sevo’s forehead. Surprising, right?
If you are going to vanish when your girlfriend tells you she is pregnant, don’t show up shortly after the kid’s birth. That’s amateurish. Go far away where no one will find you. Child support is hell so stay away for as long as you can avoid that. Bring back your jaws again at the kid’s graduation after many years in the wilderness. Ugandans are a forgiving lot, so be sure to escape that one.
If you are the kind to go into hiding when your girlfriend’s birthday draws closer only to appear days after the big day has passed, you are the real MVP.
To be like Aine, keep away for as long as things don’t seem rosy at that moment.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like the notorious Christopher Aine.

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